Saying No without Guilt

Are you a people-pleaser? I am a Master People Pleaser. I excel at reading people and intuiting their needs and considering their wants. My highly sensitive nature is put to good use in this endeavor. This makes me an excellent caregiver - of people or animals. I'm also a caring friend, daughter, and wife.

This gift is also one of my greatest challenges. I'm so good at thinking of others that I forget to consider myself. Can you relate?

To be honest, it makes me feel good to see others happy. That's why I love being a Coach! It's so rewarding seeing my clients blossom into the truest versions of themselves and create a life that mirrors their brilliance, their worth, their loves.

I also love fostering dogs, cats and horses that have had it rough in life. They come to me skinny and scared and leave happy, healthy and going to a forever home. Great use of sensitivity.

After my Mom's accident, my priorities became very clear and most projects were taken off my plate. Not surprisingly, time at the hospital supporting my Dad and Mom were top priority. And only necessary living tasks were maintained. That meant saying "No" to everything else.

Being highly aware of other people's feelings, saying No is normally challenging for me. I can actually feel the person's disappointment and/or expectations. I may say No anyway, but it takes considerable energy and I often question the decision. 

The surprising gift in this recent experience was saying No with no guilt, no questioning. Free and clear. Wow. A new experience for me. If someone was unhappy with my choice, there was nothing I could do about it. They were responsible for their own feelings.

Now, it's not that I didn't know this already. Of course, people are responsible for their own feelings. And sometimes when making the right choice for oursleves, we will disappoint people. It can't be avoided. Knowing this and not being affected by the energy of someone else's disappointment or trying to people please are two different things. THAT was the new experience for me.

I vowed to anchor this experience in my body so I could keep it even after this initial crisis passed and I returned to my previous projects.

How much do you consider other people's feelings and reactions? Does it keep you from doing things for your self or keep you from things you would really like to do? Do you think of your self first or last? Or somewhere in between?

Imagine this scenario: You're walking out the door on the way to the gym, a gift you give your self and your body. The phone rings and it's a friend who needs to talk. Not an emergency but needs to talk about say, something that happened at work that upset her. How do you respond? Do you tell your friend you can talk later, but you have a prior appointment? Or do you put the gym aside and talk to your friend? :D

I love our sensitive, caring, people-pleasing nature. We bring incredible giftsto the world and they're needed. AND, we have to learn to take really good care of ourselves - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Self-care is crucial for us to be able to be in the world and share our gifts. We're no good to ourselves, our family or the world when we're overwhelmed.

You can expect Self-Care to be a key part of my upcoming end-of-summer program, Excavating Your Authentic Self (tm)!

Seeing you valuing your Self, honoring Who you are, and taking excellent care of your Self and your gifts!

Until next time - With Love,

Lauren

Comments

[ECK]

Lauren,

I am a guy but I have the same
extreme feelings of empathy
you describe.
The guilt of saying no hurts
almost more than just being
agreeable and saying yes.
Of course this makes for some
other uncomfortable feelings
like resentment and frustration.
I believe being sensitive has
two sides as you say. One side
is understanding and
compassion. The other is personal
discomfort and stress.
It is hard to realize I am not
responsible for eveyone's
feelings and reactions.
I wonder where we learn this?
Maybe from our parents or is it
society?
I often wish I didn't have to
please anyone but that creates
a life of hiding to avoid contact
with others. We can't say "No"
all the time can we?

Just some thoughts,
Wayne S